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November 10th, 2007 at 10pm
I wonder if i wrapped my car around a pole if he would come and sit by me at the hospital? I like to think he would. But I know the answer. "no".

"He just doesn't love you ENOUGH, Jackie. Not that he doesn't love you, he just doesn't love you enough to change and be everything you want him to be. He doesn't love you enough to stand up for you in front of his friends. He thinks the issue is about cheating but the issue is so much deeper than that. You talking to a guy is a petty argument that will come and go but this, his love for you, is a problem that isn't going anywhere. You have to accept he's not going to call. He'll never be ready to talk. I know you said you were over him and I know that isn't true because if you were you wouldn't be holding back tears when you hear his name, or something reminds you of him. Everything reminds you of him, I know. If, in the small chance he asks you to come back to him you need to lay down the law. You can't let him abuse you like he does. You are not a bitch, cunt, whore or any other name he calls you and don't LET him keep calling you that. Do NOT let him put you down in front of his friends. That doesn't make him look cool it makes him look like a jerk. They crying isn't going to stop tonight with this conversation. This conversation isn't going to make you feel any better but you NEED to hear it. you need to understand that love isn't always enough. Love can never be one sided. You love him but if he doesn't love you back there is nothing you can do about it. Just know that you didn't cheat on him. That its not your fault. If He loves you, REALLY LOVES YOU, He'll come back and want to change. Just give him his time and space. I know it's hard to not call him or e-mail him or IM him when it's right there. Don't look at his website. Don't drive by his house. It's not going to heal you, its going to make it harder. You'll always have a place in his heart, find comfort in that. He'll NEVER forget you. you were his first love. His first EVERYTHING. Time can't even change that."

Finding My Neverland [
July 18th, 2005 at 10pm
[ mood | irritated ]

If I could believe in something.. one thing.. it would be my own Neverland.

It would be full of memories, full of lost loves, full of dreams and everything forgotten.

I've found numerous things that have made me particularly happy.. but never something that has lasted forever. My Neverland would have a never-ending supply of eternal happiness. I am not sure what exactly would be in my Neverland.. material-wise or people-wise.

You know that feeling you have when you're falling asleep and nothing matters.. nothing truly matters. All that you wish to do is lie there with your eyes shut--completely ignoring everything else but your own thoughts and dreams. I'd want that to be in my Neverland.

I wish that such a place could exist.

I'm not jealous, I'm not mad, and I'm not a hypocrite.

Why am I like this?Collapse )


Ponder [
July 14th, 2005 at 9pm
[ mood | blah ]

My mother taught me how to put the dresser against the door when I was little so my dad couldn't beat us up. She taught us how to climb out the window incase he broke through the door. I wish I was able to say I had a great childhood. I'm still living it. I guess only a few yaers were bad. I mildly remember it, though. Sometimes I wish things were different.. I wish i could change who I am and what my past was.. Just switch live with someone else.

Letters To HomeCollapse )

1 // talk

Can't we all just get along [
July 14th, 2005 at 8pm
[ mood | blah ]

Alright, I've been wanting to write this for a while...so here I go. It probably won't make any sense, buuutt..oh well haha.

Is it seriously going to take an asteroid to fall from the sky and obliterate half of the world's population to bring us together, for all humans to live in harmony? It's almost funny now..it's like a sitcom of sorts. Remember 9/11? I remember where I was when it happened...and I remember what I did the second I got home from school. I turned on CNN, to see what the deal was. Aside from the footage of the towers collapsing on repeat, there were images of people holding eachother in their embrace..people of different ethnicities, different faiths, people from all walks of life...caring for eachother. People converged on candlelight vigils to mourn their losses. People loved people that they had never met before. That's great, but why does it take something so tragic to wash away people's self-righteousness and bring us together?

And here we are..

4 years later, with our heads stuck, suffocating in the same festering pile of bullshit that we were pre-9/11. It's pathetic...We are at a war, with no positive or clear objective. We've got MTV programming our community's robotic youth with images of ever-so wholesome rappers on screen parading around with their fashion confederacy, guns, escalades, gang signs, you name it. People voting a blind president, whose ideals are totally contradictory to what is stated in the Constitution and Declaration, into a second term. What's the matter with us? It surely isn't in the air or water..

The problem is, well, ourselves.

We seem to have lost track of time, we're out of focus...we're in an age now where humans are so much more capable of achieving things far beyond our own expectations...but none of this can happen, because humans refuse to let go of their selfishness, ostentation, and insensitivity towards the quality of life that is on the table for us. Religion is so obscure nowadays, it's almost nonsensical to even have a faith now, since it's not doing much more than segregating people..have any of you walked around in downtown SLC on New Years, and seen the masses of people accumulate on the corner, bickering about which god exists, who's church is 'true'? Now, I'm not a believer..but if god was going to save us, he would have been here by now. He wouldn't have let things get so out of hand, that humans feel the need to exterminate eachother to come to a resolve.

I know a lot of this doesn't even make sense...I just felt I had to state an opinion on the matter. I'm almost to the point where I wish Earth would just implode...think of how much more peaceful it would be. No more ignorance, arrogance, corruption, aversion, materialism, or egotism would exist in our little corner of the universe.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

1 // talk

Sometimes you wonder if this life is worthwhile [
July 13th, 2005 at 2pm
[ mood | devilish ]

Katrina got her license today.
Congrats to her!
We decided we have bad communication.
But I saw her last night, so thats good.
I got Ice Cream.
Aw Man, it was so good.
Coconut and NUTS.
You know you wanted some.
MMmmm, maybe mommie will buy me more.

I'm getting pale again and I like it.
its the way I'm supposed to look.

I haven't seen Matt since sunday.
I've been busy and so has he.
Heh, it happens.

My mom was yelling at me today about Corey.
I don't understand parents.
Good thing I'll never be one..

I guess I'll go driving now with my mom...

I had a dream last night.... I dream a lot now. I was shopping with my Aunt Debbie whom I haven't had a conversation with since Homecomming with Cory when we were dragged into the house. We were at this Mall/house. I was looking for MAC eyeshadow (♥) When we went outside and watch this amazing sunset with my cousins Audra and Ashley and my sister (stephany). I was shuffling cards and I dropped one into the cracks of the deck, I was mad. It was the suicide king (King of Hearts). Weird. We went back inside and it was burning down. I was trapped inside and I was burning down with the building. Then I woke up. I don't understand.

Hair Status = Not dyed still! I was supposed to get it done on saturday and each day something has happened that I can't. If it doesn't get done by Friday. I just give up.

Katey Dyed her hair BLack on top. Good thing I only want lowlights. Black ones, that is. If her hair is cut like mine and dyed like mine, that would just be bad. Everyone knows that we were BFF's. and as far as they know, we still are. I wish we were. Oh well. People grow apart.

Kyle and I are becoming better friends again. She promised to come over today. I hope she does. I like to play and dance and talk. I need advice now.

Last night I went over Nicks house. His new Apartment, rather. I love it. its a cute place. His neighbor is a doll. Her dog is so small and cute. I played with it and it loved me! (♥)

I have this thirst to learn more. I want to know everything. I am so curious about how things work. About the wind. About life. How people work. How people think. I want to learn everything about everyone.

"To tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you.."

I want to dance in the rain. Jump in the puddles. Roll in the mud. Spin in circles in the middle of the street with my arms out as if I were to embrace the entire world as the rain drips down my face and soaks my hair. Thats where I want to be. What I want to do.

I found this in one of Kate's old entries and fell in love with it::
i want to run outside
fucking scream at the top of my lungs
in the highest tone I can reach
and just ....let go.

Lay down in the middle of the road
and let the rain puddles soak my body up.
Then maybe I'll evaporate up into the clouds
and when I rain back down I can let you know if there is a god.


fdyhsne tys5rtyrtytrynrys [
July 7th, 2005 at 5pm
[ mood | eryaeryaeryb aeer ]

Paint.. oils.. Love.

This is going to be a good day. I hope.

The rest of it.

I want to go to the Library.
Take me?

Katey & I worked some stuff out.
Not that you people who read this one know what I'm talking about. =\


Cedar Point and Randoms. [
July 6th, 2005 at 2pm
[ mood | extra large, please. ]

Yesterday was truely the most fun I have had in a long time..
Even without Sparklers.
I rode the Dragster.
The faces I made on that ride were absoutely hilarious.
Trust me, guys, its not worth the wait more than once.
Matt said I had cute feet!
No one has ever said I had cute feet before.
It made me smile.
Even if he was lying.
The food there was insanely expensive.
A hot dog was $7.
Matt talked me into riding this water ride.
I didn't want to get wet.
I don't like to get wet wearing jeans.
I got soaked.
I was mad.

I am now the proud owner of pretty Sparklers..
Two Days after the 4th.
3 Days after we celebrated it.
So now I have a shit load of sparklers and no one to play with them with.
I want to play with them with Katey Mo.
I miss her.
a lot.
Shes probally with Steev.
Shes always with Steev.
I guess I don't care anymore.
Maybe I do.
I don't know anymore..

I hate pictures.
They are memories frozen in time.
You can always look back at them and remember how great things were.
Great days, great friends, great places.
Anything you want.
And when you look back at them you realize things might not be soo great anymore.
Or they might not be again.
It sucks.
Some things you just deal with and move on.

I want to go to the park today.
I want to play in the sun.
In the trees, rocks and dirt.
I want to go jet skiing.
Be adventurous.
Make up for lost time...

1 // talk

"I have a penis in my butt hole" [
July 2nd, 2005 at 11am
[ mood | cheerful ]

I got my permit today.
The picture makes me look Lop-Sided.
My parents won't take me driving.

Its a beautiful day.
I want to go play.
I want to go with Corey.
He never calls.
Some friend, eh?

I have been listening to something Corporate a lot.
They are AMAZING. =D
*Sings* As you sleep no one is listening. I will lift you off your feet and keep you from sinking. Don't you wake up yet. 'Cause soon I'll be leaving you, yeah. you won't be leaving me...

*gigges* I am in a good mood.. SOMEONE COME PLAY WITH ME.. Because Steve has plans and can't make time to go to the park with me!

2 // talk

I talk about ME too much [
July 1st, 2005 at 8pm
[ mood | contemplative ]

Summer its just started, and yet, its almost over.

I need a vacation. Bad.
I need friends.
My old friends.
They miss me, I promise they miss me.
My Jessica isn't my Jessica anymore.
I don't know if thats a good thing anymore.

Late night drives seem to have disappeared.
I liked it. I really did.

'BFF' is in New York replacing me with AP and the Learns.
I guess we have grown apart since school ended.
I miss her.
I need someone to lay outside and tan with.
To drink lemonade and talk about girly things.
Talk about anything.

Where's Kyle, you ask?
Sipping her lemonade poolside forgetting about me as she soaks in the sun.
Some friend, eh?
Thats okay I don't need her.

Where's Katie, you ask?
Shes sipping lemonade with Dana.
So much for BFF's after 12 years.
Some friend, eh?
Thats okay, I don't need her.

I want to go to Eastwood.
I want to go to David's with my Jessie and try on dresses like we used to.
Tell people we are going on a cruise.
Those were the good times.

I want to swim.
I haven't swam at all this year.
I want to pretend that I'm a fish.. [blub] *makes fish face*

I want to go tanning.
I want to be tan and beautiful.
I want someone to think I'm beautiful thats not Matt.
Just once...
I guess you can't get everything you want.

I want to play in the park.
I want to play in the mud barefoot.
I want to jump in puddles like we used to when we were little.
I miss my sister.
We're not close anymore like we used to be.
She's crazy most of the time.
Like last night, but I don't want to talk about that.

I have fried cheesecake upstairs thats calling my name.
I wish i had room in my belly to eat it..
Maybe I shouldn't because I'm fat.
Oh, I just want to be beautiful....

1 // talk

i'll take a chance and steal away this movie moment [
June 27th, 2005 at 11pm
[ mood | fuck you ]

you dont think about me anymore i bet. in a way i sorta want you to. i want you to be jealous of anyone im with and i want you to wonder what im doing every moment of the day. i want you to worry about me and watch me from a distance. i want you to want me and realize that i dont want you anymore. i want it to hurt. sort of. no not sorta of. not at all. i dont want any of that really. i just want to see that you still care. im sure you do. why wouldnt you? (everyone knows who you are)

time. we have all the time in the world. time is all we have on our side really. then why is it that just hearing you say that cuts me like a thousand knifes. i understand it takes time but what if i dont have all the time in the world? what if my time is cut short in an instant and everything we always wanted come to a screeching hault. why take time when you can live in the moment? (mitch, you are an ASS)

hes my one and only. there is no one i would rather be with then him. just the sound of his voice sends chills through my body. i love him. i always have. always will. hes the only one that makes me really laugh and makes me really feel comfortable with myself. there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about him. hes always lingering in my thoughts, in my dreams, in my everything. he is the most important person to me. i gave him my heart and he still holds it in his hand the way i gave it to him. wraped up in a box with a ribbon on top. hes the one. im not sure if he feels the same and i want to know so bad but im afraid. afraid of the heartache that might come along with the truth that his heart holds. only time will tell. but for now i know hes my significant other. my love. my everything. my best friend


please come to me, my love, please come to me.

*Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.*- Leo Buscaglia

i shouldnt had asked for that because it really came true. we rushed into it. i know we did but its hard not to with you. your such a charmer and a real smooth talker how could i not fall in love with such a man? this relationship is so bittersweet. we are so wrong for each other it makes us right. lets hold on. dont you give up on me dammit!


i will give my heart to anyone thats my problem. i wrap it up all nicely in a nice box with very pretty wrapping paper and i hand it to someone hoping and wishing they will know what to do with it because apprently i have no idea what the hell im supposed to do with it. but it seems as though i give it to all the wrong people. The jerks, the theifs, the hustlers, the players, the heartbreakers and the users. never have i once giving it to the proctector. someone who will unwrap it and put it in a glass case on display in their living room for all to see but never touch. where is this person?

i want to do something fun and exciting and different for a change. but what? maybe go sky diving or bungee jumping or just get in my car with a full tank a gas and drive across the states until i run out. maybe ill pose naked and have someone paint me or take photos of me. it would be very liberating. or maybe ill go to a gay bar and get a lap dance from a gay man dressed in drag. maybe ill see how many guys i can sleep with in one nite. sometimes i just want to do that. just sleep with alot of people. just be a whore. a dirty whore and be okay with it. but really i wouldnt ever be okay with it. im a worry willy. i always look at the consequences. never do i just look at the beauty in it. nothing is more beautiful that two peoples body intertwind sweating and being together as one. ahh thats happiness.


your body is a movie and your penis is the star

*Is that a gun in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?* -Mae West

i hope you dont call really. ever again. if you do i wont answer. i dont want you back into my life. you only cause me pain and i cant deal with it anymore. i need you to leave and never come back. i let you for a moment and i realized it wasnt worth it. walk on and dont turn back.


i wish i had the talent you do. the way you write and express yourself is unbelieveable. you make me sick. the way you just put things. you have a gift of writing and i want to steal it. give me some of you. your one of the beautiful people in the world. the very few that there are.

*Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong* -Beach Boys

holding on to the invisable man

come along now Prince Charming and take me away to a land Far Far away

*Ever fallen in love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with* -The Buzzcocks

i have more problems than i really wanted to notice

my eyes still arent open wide enough to see the entirety of the world

im falling into the real me slowly but comfortabley. im beginning to find who i really am. not completely clear but not blurry like it used to be.

*Come on, find yourself. Its you, its always been you, its always been in you* -Fun Lovin Criminals

i hate traveling down this road alone. the road of adulthood. i should be with someone, someone to help me get through this all. but im alone. always alone. i need someone to hodl my hand and guide my way. im not used to walking across the street without a hand to hold. what if i forget to look both ways? who will be there to save me from rushing into traffic. noone. im so dependent on having someone by myside and babysitting me. i want someone to love me. i dont care who it is but to have someone love me is all i could ever want and need. my biggest fear is ending up alone and sad. who needs that? not me.
someone please help me!

*Lonely im so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely, im mrs. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely* -Akon

i cant see my life without him in it some how. weather its as my husband or as my best friend or just as an old buddy i talk to everyonce in a while to catch up on old times. i cant let him go. no matter how much i try to drift away from my feelings that i have for him, i keep getting pulled in by his charm and desire to keep me as his. no matter how many times we loose touch we always seem to find our ways back to each others heart. although we are so different, he feels so right to be with. even though he has made alot of mistakes in his life and is having trouble pulling it together, i know he is it. no one thinks we are good together and i could see why. ive always been portrayed as the "good" girl. The girl who makes the grades and never gets herself into trouble and is the responsible one. He is the badass who dropped out of school and is redneck with no future other than jail. but thats the bittersweetness of all this. we are so different but so ment for each other. this past year knowing him have been the most interesting and amazing that if he wasnt their to show me the things he did i wouldnt be the person i am today. there is only one thing i need to know.



another boy

*Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high* -Crossfade

your personality is so plain. its like a blank sheet of paper. it doesnt tickle me pink. what is your deal? having a conversation with you is like sticking myself with needles for fun. nothing there. its awkward and silent. it shouldnt be that way. we should have everything in the world to talk about. hell i would be happy with talkin about trees and the leaves or car mufflers. i find myself tuning you out and staring at the things on my walls such as the cob webs in the corners or the black filth left over from burning so many candles, the ridges in the ceiling or the lint that is under my dresser. you dont do it for me anymore. its like you call just to hear me say "o im not doin anything what about you" because thats all that ever comes out of our conversations. i havent seen you since school ended. shouldnt we be seeing each other more than that? i would think so. whats wrong with picture?

2 // talk

Classes!! [
June 24th, 2005 at 12pm
1º 1234 Algebra 2-Harman
2º 12 Economics-Martin
2º 34 Music Apprec-Snell
3º 1234 French 3-Flowers
4º 1234 Chemistry-Johnson
5º 1234 English 11 Hns-Carcelli
6º 1234 Lunch
7º 1234 English 11 Hns-Carcelli
8º 12 Oral Comm-Grossen
8º 34 Behavior Sci-Kempe
9º 1234 Newspaper-Cardillo

Tell me if you got any classes with me!!
7 // talk

Inside, she screams. [
June 22nd, 2005 at 8pm
[ mood | restless ]

I got my sweet sixteen ring today from my parents and all it is to me is expensive metal...

"Why do you burry your nose in books all day? Do you honestly think that you will be remotely remembered like the characters in this book? That you mean even a little bit to anyone? Get a life.."

The young girl turned away so mother anger could not see the tears that now flooded her eyes.

"..Having you was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, you think you're something special, don't you Jackie? Well, You are nothing."

The girl couldn't take holding back the tears, so she let them flow. She didn't care who saw. She didn't care about the satisfaction she was giving Mother Anger because she finally broke her down to the core of her pain.

"you're right, i am nothing..."

She picks up the phone and dials his number with every intention of pouring her heart out to him, or whom ever picked up at the other end.


Frozen. She spoke casually to him, trying desperately to hide the pain in her voice.

Why would she do that?

"Hi, its me.. I was just calling you to see what was up."

She lied. She wanted to tell him everything, wanted to hear him say he loved her and have that reassurance that everything was going to be okay. She couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth.

"Jackie, what is wrong? I can tell something is wrong. Please don't lie to me, I love you."

She wanted to tell him about Mother Anger and about the argument. Holding it back, swallowing the tears she lied and told him "nothing is wrong," and hung up the phone as if all was alright with the world.

Scribbling through the pages in her journal she pours out her pain and suffering. Staring into the mirror she cries to the reflection; the stranger who stared back at her. Together, they cried.

I want a boy to take me to New York. I want to fall asleep in his arms while laying atop a tall building gazing at the twinkling of the city lights below us. I want to fall in love in the city. I want to fall in love with the city. Escape reality, only for a day. Oh, I wish.

2 // talk

i can take feeling empty [
June 21st, 2005 at 3pm
[ mood | itchy ]

I had lost control of many things before my doubt began to consume me, inside out. I could feel my pants growing tighter and my fingers growing thicker, consuming the many rings that decorated them. beautiful digits never loved me, but I recall trying to use them as much as I could.

Her lifeless form lay drenched upon the table. He stood there with numb shock and my heart slowed it's pace back to the norm. My vision of this should have come sooner, but I was getting lazy and she looked so peaceful, would it have been right to stop her?

The pistol was still spinning and his brain was still dashing. His twilight hues scaled her figure again and again and again and again and again... We both would never recognize her, but I remember her fingers and the beauty they always displayed. The beauty the still held as they lifelessly drowned in her crimson mess.

He dials. They come. Not a badge in sight, but a dull black bag that takes her away from our forever wishful thinking.

last night was normal, today was alright. i smile because we wrestled on the grass when the stars were out. i was suppose to go home ten minutes ago, but we were laying on the ground staring at the three stars that you can see in Austintown, Ohio. i was itchy, so was he. grass does that to you. and things are becoming like they were with KJ and me. i know this because i'm ok with him seeing my feet, i'm ok with him trying to crack my toes. he looks up my nose to see if i have boogers. do you think i'm gross? please do. i dont mind.

the point is, friends. i like being friends more than anything. so it's going to stay that way, alright? alright.

the one i ignored, well, you know how this highschool drama works. all is well now, with the pull of my sleeve and her turning around. "Hi Jackie!" was said and i smiled. no one is mad. but you know, things always change with women folk. so confusing.

bawls is my friend. i'm resorting to drinking the energy drink that she bought me for christmas. i wonder if it's gone bad...i doubt it. doesnt matter. i need it. i need to stay up tonight. i love procrastination, but it always comes and stabs me in the back. but you already knew that.

you already knew everything.

other thoughts. other moments. i want to feel what she is feeling. what she is feeling for someone else. what someone else is feeling for her. why...why cant i have that now? i've blocked that thought from my mind. i've blocked that thought and emotion of need out of my heart and mind and soul. i'm needing someone? maybe not need, but it's EXTREME want. desire. terrible. i would like to find someone. find a human that i dont have to hide my feelings from. i would like to confess. i would like to shut up. holy shit i'm pathetic. terrible.

other thoughts. i keep messing up. father tells me i keep messing up. i dont know why, but i'm having EXTREME problems. umm motivation problems. i cant get anything done.

i like laying down and staring at the dark wall. the bed is comfortable and the glow of the TV lights the room slightly. i enjoy these moments, right before sleep takes hold. slowly losing conciousness. breathing slows. body relaxes. eyes close. reality slips away. the covers are warm and welcoming. the worries of today begin to drown. the worries of tomorrow are post-poned.

Side Note:: i miss mitch. i think i am going to e-mail the kid.

2 // talk

These days begin and they don't end for weeks [
June 17th, 2005 at 5pm
[ mood | hot ]

I lost you two ways first slowly, then suddenly slowly we grew apart and suddenly you left me with almost everything that I thought I wanted but I found out I wanted you.

he was the one
who taught you how to throw a baseball
how to pump your legs to swing higher
how to color in the lines
and took you fishing, and put the worm on the hook
when you were too afraid

"but this is what
people do when they love each other,"

he told you,
and he was your first kiss
and he told you to stop crying
and he had a big flat stone
on the riverbank
and he told you the definition
of an epitaph

and asked you what you wanted yours to be
and he wrote it on with a black Sharpie
and it rained and the words bled together

and the river was still, and when he kissed you
you could feel the water filling your lungs

I know I say that I'm just fine,
But I hope you wonder from time to time.

without me his world will go on turning
a world that's full of happiness
that I have never known

i just dont want you to hurt me again

In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain

here we are, windows down we see a falling star. Stop the car. Waiting for nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

Love is a promise
delivered already broken

"You can only be in a bad mood for so long before you have to face up to the fact that it's not a bad mood at all. It's just your sucky personality."

It's hard to believe that I would let myself get so wrapped in you.

if you smoke
i smoke too
thats how much im in love with you.

I cried as I said goodbye he did not understand why the tears came until she whispered, "no goodbye can ever make me forget your name."

and if this is love no wonder Juliet killed herself

I got drunk dialing fingers but I can't find the phone I really want to come over as soon as I get there
ain't no place to go but home maybe I'm better off alone

maybe I’m just too young to keep good love from going wrong

look at the stars,
look how they shine for you♥

here I am expecting
just a little bit too much
from the wounded
but I see through it all
and see you
so I threw you the obvious
to see what occurs
behind the eyes of
a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy
oh well, apparently nothing

you don't see me
you don't see me at all

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listen here's the pleasant part
you and i we fell apart

my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with

and if i die tonight, then i guess i die tonight

you do your thing and i do my thing
you are you and i am i
and if in the end we end up together

___it's beautiful

you said you hate my suffering
and you understood
you'd take care of me
you'd always be there
well where are you now?


i ruined everything.
for you


you're as welcome as cancer;;
ut my door's always unlocked


no matter how much you do or dont want me around....
....im never letting you go
1 // talk

June 15th, 2005 at 5pm
Everyone acts like they know what "I love you" really means. Love is the most precious thing to ever be experienced. It's not about 5 million silly high school girls running around saying OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. So I'm a silly high school girl. Surrounded by makeup and pom poms and cell phones and AE shopping bags. But none of it means SHIT without you by my side. So I like to act like I'm fine. But if you take a close look, you see the sadness in my perfectly done-up eyes. And when I take a look at myself when I'm all alone, all I see is that same makeup, but not on my eyes anymore. I still don't want anyone but you. Is that so hard for you to see? I know you feel the same, but sometimes that's not enough. I lied. It has to be enough. I know what it's like to love someone more & more every day. From playgrounds and swing sets to looking at stars & talking about our future childrens' names..it'll always be there. People always used to tell me we we're gonna get married someday; they knew it. I knew it too, deep in my heart. But so many promises are broken, & so many words are said. I don't want to hold someone else's hand, though I have. It's just that no one else compares. & it's hard to watch him walk away when I've given him my all. & it's so hard to sleep at night knowing I'm going to wake up missing you.
4 // talk

June 11th, 2005 at 10pm
[ mood | fuck you ]

omething remarkable, that I'm sure only I would feel is remarkable happens.

The reflected lights of the cars, red and white, slide back in forth on the glass. My eyes watch them as the music lulls me to sleep. That half sleep that caresses you. His car warm and both of us silent. He leans against the opposite door and the lights of the park flicker and turn off.

I curl up on the carpeted floor and fall asleep. His house warm and I feel him lay the blanket on me.

Waking up is Different and New. Different and New, the smiles keep dancing in.

How are things?

Well I'm feeling run down and negative. I'm feeling ultimately unmovtivated and cast away. My eyesight goes blurry then clear then blurry then clear. I'm on the brink of tears every moment. I'm wondering if I would mind if I would have to give up a lot to make someone else happy, to make myself happy.

I'm feeling too negative. I'm feeling too angry. So angry, in fact, that I want to physically hurt my dog (you might hate me for saying that, I really dont care). I want to hear myself scream. I want to twist and turn and hear you yell at me for hours as I sob out everything that's bothering me. Everything is bothering me.

It doesn't hurt to know I'm fucking up. It doesn't hurt because I'm Always fucking up. I was desinged to just have friends.

I'm afraid of the penis (Don't laugh). I'm afraid of the hands. I'm afraid of the mind. Who programmed this fear into me? I would like a work with them. Then I would like to beat the shit out of them. Please?

I'm twitching in my mind and my mouth hurts from the evil orthodontist who wishes I was dead. Who else wishes I was dead? I hope I make you unhappy.

And so I burst into tears because weeping sneaks up on me. I hate who I was last year. I really do hate who I was last year. And dont you understand I still hate who I am?

First impressions, I fucking suck at those. And it bothers me to have it explained to another.

I'm angry inside. I'm starving for attention. I'm hating everyone, but loving at the same time.

I Really am a terrible person. I'm not kidding. And I'm so terrible, in fact, that I hate when they talk to each other. I hate when I hate. Unhappy. Unhappy. Unhappy.

I'm scared. I'm ultimately scared of everything. I feel like no one is listening, there's a come-back for everything.

How are things going?

Good. Awesome, in fact. Until i sit down and think about it.

Yes. I do think too much.

I'm a walking Contradiction.

I'm already dead on the inside
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs
I've learned to love the lie

call 911,im already dead but somene should be caught and blamed for this bloody mess

4 // talk

"now that I've found someone I'm feeling more alone than ever before" [
June 7th, 2005 at 8pm
[ mood | Hip-Up's SUCK! ]

I'm jealous of you moon tonight
you get to see her him alone
beneath the stars
and everything I fear
all my strengthen was tranquilized
and everyday I get weaker
but stronger when I think
of how we never sat silent
it was a big mistake to let me
had my way in the first place
it was a big mistake
to let me I memorize your face.

Sunny days bring good times and joyful memories, right?
Summer vacation is 3 days away and I can't wait.
I am sick of high school drama and people getting mad at me for not caring.
In the words of Jessie, "stop being the fucking same!"
I'm sick of people getting mad at me for not caring.
I'm sorry I'm better than all of this.

Katey has gotten me reading up on Ana.
I want to learn everything about her.
I want her to be my friend, telling me what I should do.
I want to look like her.
HM, Katey knows what I'm talking about.
To a point.

I need to get out of here and go away.
7 days til cedar point with the boys.
5 days til the birthday.
(today not included)

I can't wait til sunday.
I don't want to work tomorrow.
This is going to suck.

I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip,
But I type too slow to make expression stick.

1 // talk

Maybe we should play in the fort? [
June 5th, 2005 at 7pm
[ mood | sleepy ]

"Lets run away together," he whispered to her into the brisk night air as she watches his breath rise up and drift away.

"What do I have to run away from?" replied the girl while she cuddled close to him listening to his heart as she gazed into the night sky.

In her mind she knows he has everything to runa way from. She would run just to be with him. She would run away from mother anger. She would run just for something to do...

"Run away with me to keep whats in your heart," he said as he lifted her up from the pavement and they began to dance with the stars.

She loved him. She wanted nothing more than to just stay in his arms forever. But in reality, she knew that could never be.

He kissed her forehead and escorted her to the car. Holding out his hand he helped her in.

"We have to go home now. Its now or never."
They sat looking at each other as he turned the car on. It was loud in the silence of the night.

"Now," The girl replied remembering every moment they shared together over the past few months. She knew it was worth it. She knew she wanted to spend forever with him.

She sits at the top of the stairs that lead to the basement and listens about her sixteenth birthday being to expensive. No gifts, no parties, no loved ones.
She hears someone stir and she darts back to her bedroom. She's not in the mood for mother anger, tonight.
Finding an old, tattered diary, she flips through the pages and gets reaquainted with the memories like an old friend. Smiling to herself as she begins to read the first page, being taken back to the very day it was written. Before these memories were long gone. Reading about whom was the source of all her butterflies at the time made a tear fall -- slow and alone -- as the realization occured to her that things will never be taht way again. The way things were that summer, with the white Malibu. Things will never be like they were that fall, wit the long walks with him at night when the only complay they had were each other, and the stars.
She cries as she remembers him.
She remembers when shapeshifter was her best friend and they used to be happy. Now all it is is fake smiles that break her heart. So alone she cries, because theres nothing else she could do.

"It was love at first sight, I would never do anything to make you not happy," he said as he tried to run his hands down her back and move them forward in a sly way.

"These cheesy lines will get you nowhere with me," she replied calmly as she pushed him away and returned to the film in which they were watching.


June 4th, 2005 at 5pm
[ mood | chipper ]

Hm, I'm rather mad about the sudden change in plans for this evening.
My mom is mad about me getting home at 11:45 and grounded me from going out.
Hopefully micbelle will still want to come over.
Maybe in the middle of the street
Because its comfortable there.

Now I am over Matt's.
We have nothing to do because we are losers.

James has a pickle for a brain


Nostalgic Nights. [
June 4th, 2005 at 1pm
[ mood | weird ]

Last night was fun with Raine.
We are devious when we get together.
The Zone = Smelly, Putt Putt, Skating, Mike, & Gregg!
Festival = Nick, Mark, Cory & Flashlights.
Wal*Mart = Shopping Carts, Car Doors, & Pot Holes?
Playground = Memories, Devil Rooms, Boobs, Nervousness, & Dark Corners.

Unfortunately when I came home at a quarter til midnight I got a little in trouble for how late it was. Thats okay because tonight I am going out with Raine after she gets off of work to meet cute boys AWAY from the flashlights.

Birthday Countdown = eight days.

Lo and Carl bother me. For apparent reasons. hm.

you listen to the telephone ring, you press the reciever to your ear silently begging him to pick up. you know he hears it ring, wherever he is. he's waiting on the corner for you to show up. he's sitting at the table with the other girl. you listen to the rings ring countless times and you press the END button when you feel the pointlessness settle in.

i dont wish for work. i dont wish to save. i dont wish to be a hero for anyone. i'm tired. i'm sore. i'm sweaty. i'm hungry. i'm needing a break. i'm needing to let go.

we tried to have fun last night.


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